APRIL: The University of Men
Tony Hoagland’s poem playfully reminds us of all the ways we learn about love through the relationships we outgrow. The fun in talking about your romantic past is a rediscovery of all you gained through trial and error. Hindsight offers insight, allowing your stories and perspectives to mellow and mature.
In this conversation, embrace your missteps, surprises, passions, and heartbreaks. And in remembering them, have a good laugh with each other.
First, Susan got engaged to an archaeologist,
who took her to excavate dinosaur bones in Tibet.
At night in their double sleeping bag,
while he catalogued her body parts,
Suze discovered her inner Tibetan.
Then she realized that he was a dinosaur,
and she found herself a western river guide,
who taught her to work the long oars on the deep green Colorado,
while condors from California screamed overhead
in the “high aerie” of the sky,
as Whitman said, whose work she became something of an expert in
when she dated the literature professor from Wisconsin.
He was followed by the mathematician,
who taught her the secrets of division,
until she divided herself from him
and went after the strong but sensitive fireman,
who could not put out her fire. It seemed that
she was enrolled in the University of Men
and that she would remain a student forever,
leaving one stunned dude after another
floating in the current behind her.
Now Susan has started the University of Women,
to which only women are admitted,
all of her professors having done
extensive fieldwork in the University of Men,
whom they fondly refer to,
in the faculty room,
in the long summer afternoons,
as the boys.
--Tony Hoagland
If your romantic history were a university course catalog, what would one of your classes be called? (Examples: “Intro to Red Flags,” “Advanced Boundary Setting,” “Chemistry Lab.”)
In your ‘University of Men,’ who was the most unexpected professor — and what did he unintentionally teach you?
If you could award one of your past partners an honorary degree, what would it be? (“Master of Dramatic Exits”? “Bachelor of Bare Minimum”? “Doctor of Delight”?)
How have your past relationships helped you discover new parts of yourself — the way Susan found her ’inner Tibetan’ or her strength on the river?
What patterns or ‘curriculum’ did you notice in your relationship history, and what finally helped you graduate?
Looking back, what is the sweetest thing you could say to your younger self about figuring out romance and sexuality?
Takeaways.